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Nine Lives (2016), PG, 0 stars

"Don't worry, Christopher, it's just for the money."
Ok...deep breath. I don't know what I just saw to be honest. All I saw was a cat, a girl, cast members standing and reciting dialogue that was old-fashioned and probably for a failed pilot from a TV show because even though that 2016 has been a disappointing year for the movies so far, this project can drag my 2016 experience into the pit. Just maybe, maybe...Kevin Spacey and Christopher Walken could have brought some depth and humor onto the movie that is much-needed. But, there's nothing to think about when watching this movie. You're basically not sitting up straight and get bored for about 90 minutes and think about what you need to do for the next week or next month. It's actually much more interesting than watching this unholy comedy.

Manhattan business mogul Tom Brand (Kevin Spacey) is a distant father but egotistical billionaire that is near a milestone on its greatest achievement to date - having the tallest building in the northern hemisphere. However, since Tom is so busy all the time and not having closure with both his wife, Laura (Jennifer Garner) and his 11-year-old daughter, Rebecca (Malina Weismann).

Rebecca has been wanting the same gift every year for her birthday - a cat. Tom loathes cats and his GPS takes him to a "magical and fantastical" pet shop store where they are greeted by the store's owner, Felix Perkins (Christopher Walken). They are given a tom cat named Mr. Fuzzypants (Yeah, that's how lazy this script is.) Once Tom makes a stop to the top floor of the building, lightning strikes on top of the building and gets unconscious. But, he is now a cat and Spacey can be happy that he can just produce voiceover work for the remainder of the film.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...
There is not one ounce of original or fresh material in this script. It is basically a 1990s throwback film for the wrong reasons. You have the standard switcheroo cliche in which a man is transformed into an animal and five writers, FIVE, can come up with animal tricks, jokes and bathroom humor. It is all too familiar. Plus, you have another cliche, the standard rude and egotistical father and businessman who is a jerk and has to redeem himself throughout the whole film. And, also, the climax has to do with suicide...oh, wow, that is great for a PG children's film. Every decision in this movie is wrong.

Kevin Spacey looks like he is having fun for no reason. Jennifer Garner has to basically act against CG cat for most of the film and Christopher Walken plays another kooky owner. Cheryl Hines plays a needless role as the ex-wife. And, Mark Consuelos, Kelly Ripa's husband, can either be satisfied or angry from a scene in which a cat is attacking him.

I did not laugh one single time during this movie and what's worse is that director Barry Sonnenfeld spent a lot of his time making this garbage. He made Men in Black, Get Shorty and Addams Family films (which I prefer the second movie). He knows how to do clever comedy so I have no idea what got over his head with this formulaic storyline with recycled gags. This movie is rotten kitty litter and oh, this will have a place of honor in one of the worst movies of 2016. Maybe, I have to think about putting this trash onto the worst movies of the decade, or better yet, one of the worst movies ever.

ZERO


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