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The Worst Movies of 2015

What the hell kind of movies are these?
2015 did not get off to a good start, however, the second half of the year was comparatively stronger without question. Even though I was impressed that there was not as many awful movies as I thought, it saved me some time because it allowed to really think about the best movies of 2015, which will be posted later.

But, we had some pretty dismal and superbly awful movies that I should discuss with y'all and go through the pain that I had to suffer through with these "final presentations" that the studio and filmmakers presented to us, the audience. Let's knock these movies one more time.

YouTube Video Link: Caro the Movie Critic: The Worst Movies of 2015

(Dis)Honorable Mentions:
Aloha
Get Hard
The Gunman
Hot Tub Time Machine 2
Love the Coopers
Mortdecai
Terminator: Genisys


10. Pan

This is no surprise as to why another live-action turd of a version of Peter Pan does not work. It is like children directing other children with some Crayola-like visual effects in the background that looks like a 6-year-old's mural of muddled nonsense that is full of a thousand colors. It is basically another horrible Christmas play of Peter Pan and it was Edgar Wright's play of Peter Pan and I don't know if Hugh Jackman and Rooney Mara had fun being in that production.

9. By The Sea

Brad Pitt and his director/wifey, Angie, vacation in a 1970s "supposedly" glamorous French fragrance ad to pose in perfect positions and gaze in despair like hungry and depressed models who just want some pasta.

Advice for dentists or surgeons who are prepping their patient: put a long clip of this movie and that's it, that should get the patient put to sleep. But, drug him/her just in case. They'll be in their own French dream. It's not a journey...every journey ends. Inevitable...Chanel No. 5...only at Macy's.

8. The Boy Next Door

Ryan Guzman's wet dream comes true...he has a sex scene with J. Lo (aka Jennifer Lopez). You're a god, Ryan. You're a god to many younger male teenagers and adults. But, this is what is going to remembered for. The rest of the movie is an insult to intelligence, women, teenagers, movies, entertainment, story, knives, fire, etc. Here's another piece of advice: Get drunk or high and laugh at the movie. You'll have a great time with low-grade dialogue and wooden acting.

7. Pixels

This "worst movie of 2015" fest would not be a party without our esteemed guest of honor, Adam Sandler. He wants to cash another paycheck to fully fund either his next project somewhere in Antarctica or some place, I don't care or take care of his Netflix deal. Josh Gad is there just to scream and annoy us to death like some doll with a string attached to him, Kevin James is...being Kevin James and Peter Dinklage is wasted in this movie. It is not director Chris Columbus' fault for giving us this garbage. It had potential. But, again, the jokes do not land at all, instead the loud visuals and lazy acting want us to play more video games than replay this movie experience again. Game over, Sandler. Game over. What are you going to do now? A Western? Oh, wait...

6. Fifty Shades of Grey

How can a movie about erotic sex be so boring? The movie is as painful as a root canal. I mean, it's a BDSM Twilight erotic drama that features a creepy rude dude who seems not to work a day in his life because he is chasing an angelic, one-dimensional, lip-biting college senior and they have a meeting darkly crimson-lit room that looks like a conference room in a horror film. (Yep, he's going to lose his company. He's going to be fifty shades of f***ed-up quickly and then he'll lose his own car, chopper, apartment and his private Home Depot with bondage devices and whips.) Oh, no! I mean, the movie is repetitive and shrill and self-indulgent with its repetitive sex scenes and dialogue with misused touches of the music. Yeah, I wanted to slap Jamie Dornan's face six times and that is my worst and that would have persuaded him to actually GIVE a performance.

5. Jupiter Ascending

Remember The Matrix? Man, that was great. V for Vendetta? It's a cool movie. Remember Jupiter Ascending? No, I try to remember but I cannot decipher or comprehend what the movie is about or what the Wachowskis are trying to show and tell us. It's what it is: Their show-and-tell project with a derivative ex-machina of a hero saving a damsel in distress again and again and again. This movie is like a bad bar with someone putting in a mixed CD with a different type of rhythm every 20 seconds that you do not know who pranked you. This movie will get you hungover with a very complicated plot, terrible chemistry between Tatum and Kunis and boring aliens. This sci-fi tale is one of the worst sci-fi movies ever made in my opinion.

4. Vacation

Take a holiday road trip to a movie with sight gags, slapstick fight scenes, bathroom humor, sex jokes and vomiting humor. WHAT A TRAGIC NIGHTMARE! Why would want the filmmakers reboot Harold Ramis' wonderful movie? This is the crux of evil and empty jokes and material that would amuse a low-IQ audience. Heck, I'd rather study for another make-up exam than watch another minute of this garbage flick. The Griswalds are supposed to be likable characters, this is a family that I do not want hang out with at all. If this movie were a Vine challenge where it tries to tempt you to not laugh or grin, I'd pass by a mile because nothing is funny about its mean-spiritedness and ick factor. It was so tiresome that I took a nap after the movie was over because I had a headache that day. That headache was more captivating than this movie.

3. Hot Pursuit

Boy, this was on the bottom of the pit for Warner Bros. movies because I have 6 movies from that studio that are in contention and are in the Worst Movies of 2015.

We had a lot of good movies about female empowerment with strong female characters. This is not one of them. This is an anti-feminist movie that opposes any skill or work put into this project whatsoever. This is also an insult to my home state of Texas. Who was in charge of this movie? A CHIMPANZEE?!?!? Maybe, this movie was made for an audience of chimpanzees. The jokes are not funny and Reese Witherspoon and Sofia Vergara create two of the most annoying characters of the year with minuscule chemistry. I mean, look at the picture, they look like their careers are going to hell after they knew this was going to be shown in theaters. If I meet a person who actually acts like the people from the movie, I'd stay the hell away from them because most likely, they are mental. It makes me shiver thinking about this movie and two movies are even worse even than this crap.

2. The Green Inferno

This is a cynical exercise from a page of Eli Roth's imagination that wants to show us the depictions of cannibalism and comic tones intertwining as one to give us an experience. Basically, Roth is giving us a human anatomy lesson: oh, look: here's a small intestine, a large intestine, a liver, heart, spleen, the works...(Hey, to the younger demographic reading this list: If you want to watch this movie to study anatomy and a part of biology, go ahead, you'll pass.) Roth elicited goodwill to have the pleasure of not getting scared. Well, I did not get scared but I got disgusted. Shame on you for making me re-live my human anatomy days of gore and body limbs, Roth. Shame on you.


AND THE WORST MOVIE OF 2015 IS.....

1. Fantastic Four

This is Marvel at its very worst. This is one of the worst superhero movies ever made, if not the worst. Heck, this movie shares the same paragraph with Batman & Robin. This movie is basically a dull build-up in its first half with joyless performances from such talented actors like Miles Teller and Michael B. Jordan, who I forgive now for the very good reboot, Creed. Then, an unexplained one-year time-jump that goes into a ludicrous, terribly-shot climactic sequence fit for a 1950s TV episode. Heck, TV executives will deny the episode. Plus, I got tired of Dr. Doom of wanting to destroy the Earth. What's left to destroy after that?

This movie is like climbing a tall mountain, accomplishing of making it to the top and then, while making it down, you trip and you endlessly hitting every rock and patch of dirt and grass on the way to the bottom with an ambulance standing by with a gurney. But, in the end, you just want to die and not get healed. Ever since the pleasure of watching movies, this is one of the most depressing experiences I have ever endured. This movie is pure scum.


That is it for the worst movies of 2015. Yikes, that was painful to type all of this up but I had fun trashing these movies once again.


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