2016 has not been the best of years but I think, in my opinion, it finished the year on a solid note. However, there were more disappointments than disasters while I was determining what to put on my "worst" list because I think that this is the first time that there could have been an awful movie in each month. But, this time, even though it took me about 10 seconds to establish what my worst #1 and #2 were, it took me a long while to figure out which movies should should be honored or (dis) honored on that list.
So, even though we had a dismal movie in almost any genre, I would not hesitate to say that I did suffer through all of these films on this list. I'd rather be staring at a blank wall thinking or just actually be running around on the street than watching any of these films again. Ok, I am over exaggerating on the latter. So, without further ado, here are my worst movies of 2016.
(Dis)honorable Mentions:
The Boss
The Huntsman: Winter's War
Ice Age: Collision Course
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2
Nine Lives (yes, it's not on my worst 10 list even though I gave it zero stars because it knows what it wants to be)
Zoolander 2
10. The Girl on the Train
Yeah...I'm with you, Emily Blunt. You should be drinking after you had a bad year of films. Hey, even your husband, John Krasinski, had one good movie and it was directed by Michael Bay of all people. I thought this could potentially be the next Gone Girl. Nope, this is Ride, Girl both in a psychological and sexual context and it is like watching a soap opera that people have spoiled for you on purpose and now you are being forced to watch it after it was being told to you. It is dull as dish water.
9. Warcraft
It's like going into a lecture about this video game without a syllabus or no study guides and you had to memorize all the characters or even care about these characters. There would be only ONE four-hour class: two hours for the movie and two hours to go over the material and then take the final. Oh, I'd fail this class. The visual effects and the acting are a disservice to the video game adaptation genre which still has a LOOOONNNNNGGGG way to go.
8. The Divergent Series: Allegiant
So, Theo James is telling Shailene Woodley: "Hey girl, don't pay attention to those idiots who are snoring throughout our movie? We still have one more movie to go. We and the studio are getting more money." Well, according to a source: it is most likely you will not have the next movie in theaters and the budget is going down. We're tired of this Hunger Games rehash and the series. Look, at the stats, Theo. LOOK AT THE STATS!!! Plus, the series gets worse and worse.
7. Collateral Beauty
Ok...I'm going to bring a one-year old joke. It's like Steve Harvey is presenting the most heart-warming Christmas movie of the year. But, nope, what we got is a cynical and fraudulent "heartwarming" film that is set on Christmas. What we got is basically a Hallmark card saying, "Ha! our marketing strategy got ya. Ok, well, enjoy this dishonest movie about egotistical people trying to solve their own problems by sabotaging a boss who actually who has a sad situation." It's like Cobra Kai from the Karate Kid kicked a person constantly because he said he lost his mother or something. It's unbearable. Thanks, for making me angry, Warner Bros., again.
6. Mother's Day
This is sad that this is director Garry Marshall's last movie before he passed away. But, out of his holiday movies, I'm afraid that this is the worst. I hope you spared your mother's wonderful time from this artificially intelligent and sentimentally manipulative movie that has no humor in it. It's the holidays and just get her to watch Pretty Woman. It will be a good gift for her. Your IQ will be as low as a snake pit. And, I don't know what's worse: falling into a pit full of snakes or watching this movie.
5. Bad Santa 2
Here we are, folks. We are over halfway and we find a few more talented actors (Billy Bob Thornton and Kathy Bates among all people) drinking at a bar thinking, "Hey, the money is good and I don't care if this is funny." This is going to be a bad and permanent stain on their resume but we paid the price to want a sequel but what we got is a misogynistic and unfunny sequel that is worse than a lump of coal. It is repetitive humor. It is a lump of dog crap.
4. Dirty Grandpa
My time is gone forever after hearing older people reciting strong sex-related dialogue and basically watching the whole, formulaic premise of Grandpa going wild after losing a wife of 40 years. He basically becomes a perv who finally has sex with a young girl at the end. It is basically one of the most awkward movies I've ever seen. It's SPRING BREAK: GERIATRIC EDITION! It wants to appeal to a young crowd and it fails miserably. At least, Zac Efron had the experience to work with the legendary Robert De Niro. I don't know whether to say I'm sorry to you, Zac.
3. Alice Through the Looking Glass
Johnny Depp's losing streak of movies is back. Hey, I liked Black Mass. But, looking inside a kaleidoscope was more interesting than this kaleidoscope of visual effects extravaganza that lulled me to shut my eyes during my experience with this movie. Heck, it's like a stoner edited and directed this movie just howling like it was the best time of his life or some sort of prank for me to watch. Well, I hope that this was a prank because this was not fun. BORING! When this shows on TV, I will take a nap for two hours.
2. Gods of Egypt
Did someone put their own spin of Temple Run on the big screen or was this movie meant to be? This is in the same league with such visual-effects bonanza movies such as Battlefield Earth, The Last Airbender and my least favorite movie of 2016. Basically, it's tanned people such as Gerard Butler and Nikolaj Coster-Waldeau flexing muscles, killing people and reciting such corny dialogue participating in this movie. This is a goofy version of a Shakespearean play adapted into a video-game type of movie about Egypt. It is an embarrassment.
AND THE WORST MOVIE OF 2016 IS...
1. Independence Day: Resurgence
As they look beyond the horizon, Jeff Goldblum and Liam Hemsworth see this movie being added onto the resume forever and it's all Roland Emmerich's fault. This is something even the Syfy Channel can reject because this is even worse than most of the Syfy original movies. As Buddy the Elf would say, "Congratulations, YOU DID IT! Worst Movie of the Year! Great job, everybody! You deserve it!" And then he says Hi! to Bill Pullman because he delivered one of the best speeches in movie history from the first film. Everybody looks tired and serious, the story felt like it was a draft and the action sequence towards the end is headache-inducing. This movie is infantile and inept at best because it looks like CGI vomit on-screen and everybody is covered in it. Heck, even a person accidentally messing up a canvas on an easel with spaghetti sauce is more artistic than this heap of junk. It's cinematic junk. When Michael Bay had a better year than Roland Emmerich, the world may be messed up but it's still spinning. After many attempts, he claims the throne of having the worst movie...for a year.
That's it! Whew! Hope these actors and directors have a better year in 2017!
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