I have to be honest because years like this rarely happen for two reasons: 1. I did not have that many awful movies on the list this year which was sort of a blessing. Haha. 2. I had an easy time selecting which movies would go on this throne of pungent garbage. But, it was a "game of thrones" to select which movie would have that esteemed honor of being the worst movie of 2017 and that was a bit harder because 5 movies were in contention for that top spot.
There have been a variety of movies, though, on my list that range from surprisingly an animated movie (not really, when you see the title or hear the premise) to a crime drama with the predictable mediocre comedies in between. Regardless of which movies are on the worst 10 or the dishonorable mentions, it was a tough time watching these movies amongst a very eventful year. A few were disappointing but all are just unbearable to watch again.
Dishonorable Mentions:
The Book of Henry (it is so bad that you have to see it to believe it that it is that bad)
The Circle
Home Again
The Layover
mother!
Rough Night
YouTube Video:
10. Suburbicon
Mr. Damon, breathe. Just...breathe. Everything will be ok. You don't have to be stressed. You are working with Mr. George Clooney again. You and him will act together just fine. Wait a minute. He's just only directing? Ugh...ok.
This was a huge disappointment because he can direct dramas and thrillers real well. But, having a hand in the Coen Brothers' screenplay and directing the movie by adding some comedy sunk the whole movie. There was way too much going on in all three phases of the story regarding social commentary, racism and a murder mystery. I wished I had a seen a movie made of the story by the Coen Brothers themselves. They had a big opportunity to have something special here.
(tie) 9. The House & Daddy's Home 2
What happened to you, Will Ferrell? Yes, you can caress your body with all of that money that you are getting paid for but we had to pay the price to see these two surprisingly bad comedies. "The House" was a painfully routine comedic SNL reunion between Ferrell and Amy Poehler that dragged into such predictable humor that you you expected more from these two talents. It was like crickets were chirping in my head.
Daddy's Home was a guilty pleasure for me but this sequel, despite a few chuckles, was basically somebody slapping my face with an occasional punch repeatedly. It is basically pratfalls, Will Ferrell getting hurt and mean-spirited humor with Christmas in the background. Even though there is still chemistry between Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg, there are forced situations and forced old-guy, pedophilia humor that made it awkward to watch. Eh...most jokes do not land for me.
8. The Mummy
Annabelle Wallis is trying to hang on to Tom Cruise for real life because he is a movie star. But, haha, they are in The Mummy reboot so she basically just parachutes off and lets him die in a plane crash. This movie is a noisy, special-effect-filled disaster that made not much sense. This movie is a checklist for an Tom Cruise action vehicle...again. Cruise running, chases, explosions but add in zombies and CGI mummies, it turns into a head-ache inducing Halloween party that does not have Michael Jackson's Thriller in it to make it at least passable. It is a rare occasion to have Tom Cruise being in the "Worst of" party.
7. CHiPs
Kristen Bell is thinking in the background as Dax Shepherd and Michael Peña are having a conversation, "Dax, I love you as a husband. I support you as a, I guess, filmmaker, and a comedian and father. But, why this movie?" And, later, she would actually say it to him in their trailer or house and he would reply, "We're trying to make the next 21 Jump Street." Well, 21 Jump Street, it is not. 21 Jump Street is Airplane! or Some Like it Hot compared to this movie. Peña should know this was dumb and painfully unfunny because he was in a great, underrated cop movie, End of Watch. Michael Peña is awesome but what was he thinking?
6. Transformers: The Last Knight
Poor Mark Wahlberg. He was in two strong movies last year and now, this year, he is in two really bad movies. Now, it may surprise you why it is not in the worst 5 movies? It is because I'll give them the opening King Arthur battle. It was cool but the rest of the movie is still like a two-and-a-half hour rollercoaster where you cannot get off and when it's over, you need paramedics to get you out because you are sitting there for so long. Plus, what's worse, there is dialogue that you had hoped would come out of little children to make you laugh and to make you gasp. And, yet, the childish dialogue comes from a screenplay for actual adults. Why did Michael Bay return to the franchise again? You know what, why do I care? Look at Wahlberg, he looks like he wants to think that this whole movie was another nightmare. Nope, unfortunately, it's reality.
5. Unforgettable
This could have been a concept for a long-awaited sequel to Mean Girls in which what would happen if Cady Heron and Regina George were to meet again except as mothers. But, nope, it is a cursed Lifetime-like vehicle starring Katherine Heigl, in a different type of role. (I'll give her that.) Hey, Facebook is got to be proud of a woman masturbating to its social network in the movie. Look, Rosario Dawson is always good but why is she in this? She is too good for this trash. It's basically angry looks and faces, sex to loud music, soap-opera cat fights and oh, yeah, there's dialogue. Hey, the little girl is maybe inspired by Heigl by the look of this image. My advice to that girl: don't go down that route.
4. The Snowman
Michael Fassbender is ponderous and sad because his career has been diminishing ever since the success of Macbeth and Steve Jobs. What happened? Well, he was trapped in making a video game movie, a movie with his wife, a terrible super hero flick and now a snowman. An incomprehensible and very boring movie about a snowman. It made me want to take a NyQuil and go to sleep. I don't care if I snore. Now, here's a Fassbender version of a Frozen song.
"Does he want to build a snowman?
Come on lets go and cry
Has he be in a good flick
since 2015
It's like he's gone away!
He used to have great offers
And now he's not
I wish his agents will tell me why..."
To be fair, he was good in Alien: Covenant.
3. Fifty Shades Darker
I don't think Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan are in a Stanley Kubrick movie. They wished. I wish for another Kubrick movie. I'd rather have that than any one of these awful concoctions of a story told on-screen. There are basically moving images to keep you looking around the screen, moving bodies to see how they smooch and in what position (naked or not), and moving vehicles to maybe showcase how cool looking they are. Monitoring what's going on was better than paying attention to what silly lines were coming from their mouths. This is a spoof of an erotic thriller. There is no passion and there is no tension. If you want to see a good movie that has masks in the movie, go see Eyes Wide Shut or The Mask.
2. Baywatch
Dwayne Johnson: "Hey, Zac. What do you see in the horizon?"
Zac Efron: "I see money. I see Alexandra Daddario in a swimsuit. Are we in a real movie?"
Yeah, I think so. It tries to start as a movie but the green-screen is so noticeable it is like Tommy Wiseau stepped in to direct about half of the movie. Also, there were moments that I felt like it was a swimsuit commercial with muscular guys and hot women running around in slow motion. It is funny that they were taking it seriously because they think they have the comedy. They do not because the rest of the cast are either so pretty or attempt to be comedic. They have nothing to do but follow the plot and poke fun at the TV show. The humor is predictable and low-brow, the plot is incomplete and the action is awful. Imagine yourself running in slow motion...away from the movie theater...and into your car crying...because this was such a pathetic comedy.
AND THE WORST MOVIE OF 2017 IS...
1. The Emoji Movie
To boldly go where no animated movie has gone before...to the top of my worst list of the year. It's true an animated movie is my worst movie of the year. This is a cynical cash-grab that people who worked on this movie will regret on working on a few years down the line.
I am going to borrow or rephrase what has been said from a certain 90s comedy:
"Mr. Sony Executives, what you've just showed me and the rest of the world is one of the most insanely idiotic movies I've ever seen. At no point, in your noisy, incoherent movie were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone who has seen it is now dumber for seeing it or will be dumber for seeing it. I award y'all the worst movie of 2017 and may God have mercy on your souls."
And, that wraps up 2017 for bad movies. Hopefully, things go well for them next year.
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