Jupiter Ascending (2015), PG-13, ★

Channing Tatum and Mila Kunis.

I'm going to say right off the bat that the title sounds like a title to a pornographic video. All right, that's clear and out of the way. Directors always want to elevate the style of science fiction films. Let me re-phrase. Directors try very hard to make the next science fiction classic with more realistic special effects and memorable characters. However, they try to put too much emphasis, nowadays, on the look of space and all the colorful planets and what-not over the story which tries to make sense. Audiences want memorable characters, a great story and fantastic visual effects. From this movie, we have barely one out of three and I emphasize barely because it's the Wachowskis and they've made better movies than this.

Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) is a janitor in Chicago who hates her work and her life, however, she is not ambitious to do anything else about it. Three intergalactic bounty hunters, Falque, Razo and Ibis (Spencer Wielding, Doona Bae and David Ajala) are after Jupiter as well as a man named Caine Wise (Channing Tatum). (That's really his name?: Caine Wise?) Anyway, Caise is being stalked by the bounty hunters and then they chase after him while Caine defends himself with his shield and flees unharmed.

In space, the Abrasax siblings learn of Jupiter's existence as their mother have died and they now want to inherit the earth as their own. Balem (Eddie Redmayne) awakens, his brother, Titus (Douglas Booth) cavorts with women and Kalique (Tuppence Middleton) has concerns about inheriting the earth. Jupiter goes to the fertility clinic under her roommate's name and Balem finds about it and orders his people to find and kill her. The doctors put on her the bed to kill her until Caine bursts in and kills the doctors who were revealed as Keepers.

Jupiter and Caine meet as Caine explains that Jupiter was almost killed because she is the rightful heir to the planet and Caine is a genetically-engineered being made up of a splice between a human and a wolf. After another attack and shootout, Jupiter and Caine flee to Caine's former comrade, Stinger Apini (Sean Bean), Caine's former comrade, who is spliced with a bee which is hilariously ironic. As Stinger and Caine fight for a bit and bees are swarming, Jupiter reveals her powers and moves her arms around them as now Stinger respects her and refers to her as "Your Majesty". This is hokey and corny space opera that made me roll my eyes and laugh. I don't think that was intentional.

Eddie Redmayne showing his abs while sitting down. 

This is movie is a space opera that suffocated me for two long hours that I could not bear to hear any of the terrible dialogue or nonsense that fortifies itself as a miscalculated and unintentional joke of a film. The revealing plot line as to why the Abrasax family are villains is so banal, inept and stupid that when you find out, then the rest of the movie, you do not really care as to whether or not the Earth will be saved. The reason alone is ridiculous. Plus, there is a lot of repetitive notions and/or heroism as for example, Jupiter falling three times and Caine rescues her in the nick of time. Also, a lot of action sequences that are mostly chasing after Caine that it gets unbearable to care whether or not the bad guys will catch them because you're focused on the special effects. It is sad that I cared more about the effects than the characters.

Channing Tatum's streak of good performances has come to an end with this movie. He plays a standard character with a bad accent and terrible makeup that he feels embarrassed to be in this film and just perform stunts on green screen. Mila Kunis is very beautiful and looks divine in the costumes but her character is not interesting at all. She is bland as a person who does not seem interested as to ruling the earth. At times, it is like she is staring into space as she does not know what she is doing in relevance to the story. I don't blame her because the story is confusing. Eddie Redmayne is chewing the scenery and looks like he is having fun with his character being quietly villainous and screaming with murderous rage. Sean Bean is underused epically too.

It is a disastrous sci-fi film of epic proportions because The Wachowskis are talented directors who can mesmerize you with story and visual effects. The visual effects are there but it is definitely not enough due to the convoluted and silly narrative that misfires on every level. They hammer down so much on the visuals and action that it feels like you pulled out an overdone soufflé out of the oven. It is way over-the-top with the mythology being overwritten and the action being repetitive. It is the worst version of Groundhog Day and Cloud Atlas combined. This is a movie that makes you desperately want an aspirin after it is finished so you can go home and relax and take a nap. Maybe, when you wake up, you'll forget the experience but unfortunately, you will glance at your ticket and think to yourself that you wasted your time and money seeing a very bad movie from the creative directors of The Matrix.

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